I opened my email and saw another email. It was from the federal prison system.
It was from him.
I ignored it for about a day because I really don’t want to go down that path where he thinks I will be there for him. I tried. I listened when he was in the halfway house. How lonely he was, how he needed someone in his life. I didn’t plan on being that someone. I just planned on being his friend. After all we had been friends since we were in 3rd grade, so my dumb ass felt obligated to him because he tried to beat up Johnny in 4th grade who made his spoon into a sling shot and shot chocolate pudding in my eye. i remember crying and cleaning it off with the teacher as other teachers marched them out of the cafeteria to the principals office.
Somehow, almost 30 years later he ended up in my life again and this time, I stepped up to be his savior. Except, it ended up being more than that. I didn’t want a relationship, although being a single mother, you can’t sometimes help but to think what if or wonder. I have also, as a single mother had my turn at relationships with men who expected to be put before my children.
That was never going to happen.
So I hung with him, my old school friend. We snuck around and ran all over this town we found each other in at an AA meeting. I tried to encourage him to change his ways, be good, get out of the halfway house and quit letting his anger control him.
That never happened.
He could never place blame on himself. He blamed the feds for everything. He blamed everything on everyone except himself. Yet, I tried. Tried to get him to at least behave if he couldn’t own up and move on. I was tired of blaming the feds for him when he couldn’t even make it out of the halfway house and move on in life. He couldn’t always blame everything on being Indian or on the feds. I was tired of him crying and tired of calming him down.
When he was kicked out of the halfway house to another city, it was a relief. He wrote to me. Crying over the pages, He had nobody, again. I knew he didn’t but i didn’t write him back. Finally he earned enough privilege to call me. We talked and yes, I once again felt sorry for him. I had to go that way a few weeks later, we planned a visit. I stopped in, dropped him off some coffee, listened to his pain and left. Told him I would pray for him.
But I love you- he said. I looked at him and wanted my Han Solo moment of saying “I know.” but instead I said, “Me too.” I got in the car and slammed the door feeling like a punk. I’m too old for this shit, I thought.
After another letter telling me how much he missed me and loved me, I forgave him. We talked on the phone all the time. He still had the same issues, still took no blame but I did the inevitable that I always did all my life. I thought I could change him.
One night, after talking on the phone so late, and saying good night ith I love yous. The next day he texted me. And everything I had hoped wasn’t true, was.
“I just hope you know you will always be a good friend.”
My alerts went up.
“I could never replace you, don’t forget that. We’ve been friends since 3rd grade.”
ME- “What’s going on? I’m too old for this game playing.”
“You mean alot to me.”
“My ex found me and we are still in love.”
“LOL, what ex? The last one?”
“No, twenty years ago.”
“LMAO. you’re joking right?”
“No, she loves me and live near here and has a good job. Soon as she leaves her husband, we’re moving in together.”
“Wait this happened overnight?”
“Yeah, well we are still in love.”
“Wait, don’t be like that, you will always be my friend.”
Lol, I wished I could say that was the last time we talked. I wished I could say we are still friends. I wished I would have realized more than I did. I wasn’t no punk bitch, but yet I was.
To make a long story short, he went back to prison for fighting over the married woman. She eventually went back to her husband but ended up divorced and has a young man. She is almost 50.
And he, well let’s just say when I opened the email from prison it said “I Fucking HAte You, she said you keep fucking with her. You bitch!”
I gave no response. I deleted it. Blocked him. Wondered why she said that when I moved on.
Then I realized sometime people who are not ok with being lonely will try to involve others in their lives, for no reason. Just to feel more important. I am an ok person. I did nothing wrong but fall in love with a friend.
He texted me and asked to call me.
“You don’t have to be a bitch.”
“I’m not, you are.”
And that was that. I don’t mean to be a bitch, but if i am, so be it. I don’t have time in my life for people with issues and see nothing wrong with my actions. In fact I wish them both peace.
Sometimes, I feel like I am too strong of a woman.
Is that really a bad thing?